LifeStory

Ryenn Hayes

I've struggled with mental illness since I was thirteen-years-old. At first I restricted food, then I cut myself, until finally I was so depressed I wanted to end my life. This all stemmed from an abusive father, and horribly low self-worth. When I first started reaching out I was fifteen, but my school greeted me with a disappointing reaction. My principal forced me out of the school to a hospital, which seems like a positive thing, but when I returned from an eating disorder inpatient after two months I still could not return. I had to sign a contract stating I could not tell my peers or teachers anything about my struggles. In less than a month I was removed from school again. This only increased my suicidal ideation. I felt abandoned, worthless, and hopeless. I was sent to another inpatient. This time I was there for five and a half months. During this time I did so much to try to harm myself, but of course it can never go far enough in such a supervised location. However, when I was discharged and sent to a residential I had one of the strangest nights of my life, one of the nights that I had a set plan to take my life. I was frozen in fear, nothing felt real. All I had on my mind was that plan. Fate would have it that certain events got in the way of me following through, and I signed myself after two months of care since that residential was one of the most traumatizing places I've been to. Since then I've been at home slowly recovering with the support of family and therapists, and I am now eighteen. What I want to say to anyone struggling is that they are never as alone as they feel. Someone somewhere cares for you and is willing to help you. Depression puts up a veil in front of your face that makes the future seem bleak or nonexistent, but it's still there. You have to give yourself a chance. Remember anything that makes you happy. Find anything frivolous to find meaning in whether it's aspirations for the future or just staying alive to feed your pets. Your life matters. Every life matters. You'll struggle. You'll want to give up. However you can find happiness. I'm learning this myself. We can overcome anything if only we learn to raise our voices and fight. Fight the demons, and fight the stigmas in our society. We can learn to love our lives.
Ryenn Hayes
Personal History
Ryenn Hayes
Personal History