Family and friends, I am Ryan’s cousin, Cathy. When Ryan was born, I was 18 and have great memories of Ryan as he grew up. Many a Thursday, I would hop on the subway and go to Park Slope to visit my Grandma Betty and usually sat on the church steps with Jackie and her kids or in the apartment on 7th Ave. Sometimes we would go to St. Francis bingo. I had so much fun hanging out with the Connor kids.
Every so often Ryan would come with Jackie to my mom’s house in Hazlet, NJ for the weekend. One day in particular stands out in my mind these past few days.
My mom Jane, Jackie, Ryan and my two little ones went to Keansburg Amusement Park. Ryan was talked into going on the go carts. He was the first at the starting line and slammed the gas down and ran right straight into the wall. Then continued to do it several times because he wasn’t turning the steering wheel. The moms were yelling over the fence "Turn the wheel". This went on for a while. He was sweating and a bit shook when he got off the go cart. Our family tends to laugh at things like that and Ryan was not immune to our humorous taunts.

Well, we all jumped back in Jane’s green station wagon and pulled up at the A&P – I ran in to get bread and milk. When I came out the wagon pulled up and as I went to open the door it pulled away. Ryan’s face in the back window was one of bewilderment.
The next time they pulled up and away, Ryan and my kids were howling. Jackie would say “go” to my mom as I tried to open the door. On the fourth time, I was enraged and yelling STOP.
When I saw Ryan after that he would say, with this little nod of his head and smile, “Want to go to A&P?

Ryan had such a great sense of humor and I will always remember how he made me smile. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things to do.

Too soon gone. I'll miss you. I did miss you. I have no words or reasons to why, we walked the same path. It was an honor to help start you on yours . I know this your generosity of spirit and the truths you spoke out loud helped people. I saw it firsthand. I wish our falling out hadn't lasted. I wish I'd seen your text in 2020 but I dont use FB that way.

You didn't fail Ryan, it's an insidious road. I hope wherever you are , your soul is quiet and knows how much good you were made of

Peace my young friend, thank you for your hard work , you made the BCBC fun. I know words fail but remember you got this Yankee fan to CitiField. Lol That was a good time.

Your leaving is harder ,because I know you had so much to say ,

Love ya

John Vetter

Oh Ryan , I am so sad, I know that you tried , I know because I witnessed it first hand. We walked the same paths at different times. The years you worked for me at BCBC , you were not only a big help but you brought joy to the Box Office everytime..ok most times you showed your impish grin.

We are all shadows and light, laughter and tears , strong yet unsure. You gave me strength when you couldn't gave even known it. I know we shared our stories and I know that I wish I'd been able to be there when you needed someone again.

I wish I knew how to use FB messenger I didn't see your text until tonight 13 weeks too late. I wish you typed more Jan 2020 what did you need? Yes that year was hell for everyone but I would like to believe I would have tried again. But in truth my certainty isn't what it used to be.

I miss you. I wish your family the peace of knowing that for a pretty good chunk of time you spoke your pain. And in those rooms I know you saved lives

I want to be angry but I dont know at what. Your loss, your leaving , your need.

Be at peace my friend,

I sincerely pray we get to laugh again in the great beyond. Spell check kept wanting to insert "great behind" is that your shenanigans. I hope so
♡
Cheers Then...Ta

I am Ryan’s oldest brother. Receiving the call from my sister informing me of his overdose was horrible. Seeing Ryan on life support was one of the worst experiences of my life. Ryan was a very talented writer and extremely intelligent. He had so much yet untapped potential, that will now never be realized. Accepting this reality is very difficult for me to do. Ryan and I had not spoken in at least 11 years. I feel such regret over this because he reached out to me twice attempting to reconcile. However, I was not able to put my anger or ego to the side yet. A few months ago I read an online post by him. He sounded sad and in trouble. I finally reached out to him but he did not reply. I wish he had. I did not see this coming at all. I have no idea why Ryan had to die but I am still here despite all of the countless insane and deadly behaviors I engaged in over the years. It makes no sense. I miss him badly already. I have no belief in heaven or hell. I definitely do not believe in any god concept. I wish these things were true, so I could see Ryan again some day...
Unfortunately Ryan is only a series of memories now. Better than nothing I suppose. I will cherish these memories always. I miss you little bro, and I love you always. I sincerely wish I had been a better brother to you. I apologize sincerely for my shortcomings in this way.

Love you always,
Jamie

Remember Me

To the living, I am gone,
To the sorrowful, I will never return,
To the angry, I was cheated,
But to the happy, I am at peace,
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot speak, but I can listen.
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea,
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity,
Remember me.
Remember me in your heart:
Your thoughts, and your memories,
Of the times we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed.
For if you always think of me, I will never have gone.